Miss You

We walked past each other in the parking lot a few days ago and we didn't even realize it until we were stepping past each other, feet away. I had to look especially close just to see who had called out my name.

Because you aren't you anymore.

The last time you were actually you was August 25 and we spent the night talking about dirt biking and I dropped everything to bring you ice cream after you got out of the hospital.

I was always scared you would finally leave, but the day it happened I didn't even notice. I had already shut you out because that is what I do best when my emotions are paralyzed with fear.

It would be easy for me to say that I am simply afraid of people leaving me, but since I have been given up and passed up and looked over and passed under so many times I am not afraid of that anymore. I have talked myself into convincing myself that everyone is going to leave, the only variable being when.

No, what I am more afraid of is so much harder to say and yet so much more cliche. They empower me, and they break me into a million pieces.

But the best thing to do is face fears, isn't it?

I am afraid of my emotions. And I will do anything to keep someone from using them, from knowing I have them. Because they are powerful and are the very thing that could destroy me. So I fight. I fight feeling them, fight acknowledging them, fight sharing them, fight showing them.

Did you leave because I didn't keep the connection? You got too close to the flame that was my emotion riddled heart and I didn't want you to get burned so I pushed my hand in the flames instead. I bit my tongue and let you walk away to find another heat source.

I wish I could tell you that I miss our late night talks and spontaneous drives. But you aren't around to hear my apologies anymore. Just because I couldn't let me burn you.